


A Calamity (Of Sorts)

by AWorldOfNonsense (Buildnganempire)



Series: A Loose Conglomeration [3]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: A dead body, Captain Hook | Killian Jones Dies, Everyone lies, Except Henry, F/F, F/M, Gen, Humor, Investigation, Murder, Murder Mystery, Rated M for the dead body, Suggestive Themes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-19
Updated: 2017-04-19
Packaged: 2018-10-21 02:58:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10676280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Buildnganempire/pseuds/AWorldOfNonsense
Summary: Someone kills Hook and he stays dead (finally). Mulan investigates (sort of).Henry just wanted a family dinner. Regina really wants someone to clean up the blood from her kitchen floor (right now). Zelena finds the whole thing hilarious (especially the dead body). Snow can't stop snooping around. Ruby might break out in hives by the end of the night. Gold finds the whole investigation pointless (it's obvious to him who did it). Granny is wondering why the hell she's in this narrative.And everyone is keeping secrets.





	A Calamity (Of Sorts)

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't even watched the show since Season 3, so most of what I'm adopting as canon in here is a combination of me making stuff up, looking stuff up, and living only in fanfiction world for the last three years, sorry if anything is wrong.
> 
> WARNING: If someone murdering Hook isn't your thing, you probably shouldn't read this. He's really dead. Also, this is mostly Swan Queen. I tagged the other relationships because they are part of the story but not by much, sorry.
> 
> I failed at making this a one-shot.

**Friday, April 21, 2017**  
**8:26 pm**  
**Regina’s Kitchen**

“Oh, shit!” Ruby’s the last one to join their impromptu circle in the middle of Regina’s kitchen, sliding into the room at full speed between Belle and Granny and then stopping short, but they barely notice her. What they _are_ all noticing is the dead body of Hook in the middle of the floor and the pool of blood that’s now surrounding him.

Truthfully, Ruby’s not the last one to the scene. It’s really Henry and when he comes stomping through the house shouting “Mom! Emma!” they do notice _him_ and all turn toward the sound at once. He too slides into the circle, breaking it between Regina and Emma. They both catch him, stopping him from going any further but they can’t get him turned around quick enough. So he too sees the body and the blood and his eyes grow big as saucers. His head jerks up to Regina, “Mom?”

Regina hasn’t the faintest clue what to say to him so she tries to hug him to her but he turns back toward Emma with the same questioning look, “Emma? What happened? Who would do something like this?”

Emma can’t look at him either so she looks at Regina instead. “I don’t… I don’t know.”

 _Who would do something like this?_ And then they are all looking up, staring at each other in turn.

No one says anything until, “Henry,” Regina starts, forcing him to look at her, “I need you to go to your room. Go up there and do not come out until I say you can.”

Henry looks from her to Emma, who gives him a nod, and then, with one last look around, he runs up to his room, listening to the pair of them for once. When he’s gone, Zelena starts laughing and can’t stop. She’s still laughing when Mulan finally shows up. It takes them 6 minutes to even call her.

 

**Sunday, April 16, 2017**  
**6:53 pm**  
**Regina’s House**

“Hey Mom?” Henry’s carrying four dishes from the dining room table into the sink when he asks the question. It seemingly comes out of nowhere but neither one of his mothers is really buying that because with Henry, almost everything is calculated.

“Hmm?” Regina is the one to respond, despite the fact that she’s not really sure who he is referring to. Maybe it’s the both of them.

“I was wondering...” He hesitates a moment and she can hear the clatter of knives and forks hitting stainless steel. His voice carries louder as he comes back their way and he tries a different tactic, “I was thinking that maybe we could have a dinner, with all of us.”

Regina glances to Emma, who is equal parts amused and confused judging by the look on her face. “You were, were you?” It’s really all she can ask because she’s still not sure where he’s going with this and who he is intending to mean when he says ‘all of us.’

“Yeah, like… everyone.” Henry comes back in through the archway between the two rooms and he’s got half of a smile on his face which tells Regina that he’s nervous enough about her answer to not be confident in his excitement over the prospect.

“Everyone?” She arches an eyebrow and steals another glance at Emma, who seems to be content on letting her run this show. “Just who is _everyone_ , Henry?”

“You know…” He busies himself with scooping up their water glasses, “like our family.”

Regina thinks she finally gets it now. “Are you asking if your grandparents can come to dinner, here?”

Henry beams. “Yeah! I was thinking about how fun it would be, if we have everyone here for a dinner. We have the space and it won’t be crowded like at Snow’s and I don’t think Belle’s ever seen our house before either. I think Gold would be on his best behavior because he likes me, a lot, I can tell. But also I thought that maybe Red and Granny could come too because they are like family, right? And of course Aunt Zelena would be here.”

Regina freezes and Emma tenses and this is definitely not what they expected from a conversation about a family dinner. Zelena takes this moment to come back in from putting Robyn down and laughs and laughs and laughs, so much that she’s doubled over and using the wall for support. Regina glares at her in irritation, regretting that she promised Henry she wouldn’t fireball any of their family anymore. Emma’s mouth is hanging open while her eyes dart between Henry, -who is holding four glasses in his hands and grinning sheepishly at them as if he already knew what the reaction would be - Regina, and Zelena, unsure if she’s going to need to use magic to break up anything about to happen.

This goes on for another minute or so until Regina realizes her son is waiting for an answer and, as the only adult in the room apparently, she needs to respond to him. “When were you thinking that this _family_ dinner would occur?”

Henry’s shoulders drop and he takes in a breath of relief, plastering a cheeky smile on his face. “I was thinking maybe Friday?”

 

**Friday, April 21, 2017**  
**9:15 pm**  
**Sheriff’s Station: Interrogation Room 1**  
**Regina**

“So,” Mulan starts and Regina stares at her hard enough to scare anyone else. Mulan isn’t deterred, she’s not afraid of this version of the former Queen, “what was...half of the town doing at your house tonight, Mayor Mills?”

Regina scoffs. “I hardly would consider ten people and two babies _half_  of the town, Deputy Mulan. Especially considering half of _them_ already live there.”

“ _Half_?” Mulan raises her eyebrows at this. By her estimate, only three of them live in that house, not counting Robyn.

She notes the faint blush that rises up on the Mayor’s olive-toned cheeks. “Nearly.”

“Sure.” She’ll come back to that particular question later. “So?”

Regina sighs, folds her arms and sits a bit straighter. “If you must know, it was Henry’s idea to have a family dinner.” Then, as if as an afterthought, “Hook was _not_ invited.”

It’s an odd thing to say, Mulan thinks, particularly with the tone she uses, so she makes a note to come back to it later. “Who _was_ invited to this family dinner?”

Regina stares at her as if she’s stupid but when Mulan doesn’t take the bait, she eventually responds. “Henry and Emma, obviously. Emma’s parents and their spawn. Gold and Belle, at Henry’s behest. Red and Ms. Lucas. And my sister and niece, of course.”

“Of course.” Mulan finds at least half of the people on the guest list a bit confusing but judging by the look on Regina’s face, she probably shouldn’t go there right now.

 

**Thursday, April 20, 2017**  
**11:02 pm**  
**Regina’s Bedroom**

“So, I was thinking…” Emma trails off in distraction as she uses her lips instead to follow the protruding collarbone of the woman beneath her.

“Wonderful.” Regina grouches, pushing her head into the pillow beneath it. Every time those words come out of her blonde co-parent or her offspring, she has to prepare herself for what follows.

Emma pauses in her descent, lifting her head. “Sorry, I know. Now’s not totally appropriate...considering... but I don’t wanna forget to talk about it before tomorrow.”

“What is it, Emma?” It takes everything in her right now to moderate her tone. She had been looking forward all day to spending time with Emma without clothes and not thinking about anything serious. But Emma seems determined so she pushes them both into a sitting position and waits.

Emma catches part of the bedspread in one hand and twists. She can’t seem to look Regina in the eyes anymore either. “Well, it’s just that… Henry and Zelena and Ruby all know about us and no one else does and I want to maybe talk about what that’s going to look like tomorrow when they’re all in the same house, which just happens to be yours. That I maybe live in most of the time.”

It’s not like Regina hasn’t thought about this exact thing. All week long. Still, she sighs. “So what are you saying Emma? Would you like to inform everyone else too?”

Emma’s eyes dart to hers, wide as saucers. “No!” There must be something in Regina’s facial expression that then makes her backtrack. “I mean, we could, of course, tell everyone. But I kind of like it this way, for now.”

Regina knows there’s something more on the tip of Emma’s tongue and despite being fairly sure just exactly what it is, she’s going to let Emma do the heavy lifting on this one. “And is there a reason for that, Emma?”

It’s not like she’s itching to tell anyone else either, but this conversation is long overdue so maybe it’s time they’ve had it. Emma bites her lip and reaches out with the hand not twisting the comforter, eyes downcast again. “I’m just not, you know, sure how my parents are going to take it.”

It’s out there now, festering in the space between them. Regina’s got mixed feelings about this one, mostly because she isn’t sure where the hesitation is coming from. But she certainly understands it. “I see.”

“No.” Emma’s eyes catch hers again. “Maybe you don’t.” She threads their fingers together. “I’m fine with… you know, fighting for you. That’s not what this is. I just,” the air she blows out is so harsh it flutters the blonde locks sweeping across her forehead, “this is so nice, just being us and I don’t want them to ruin that.”

Regina understands, both things, she really does, so she flashes her brightest smile Emma’s way. “Emma, it’s okay. This can be our secret still and we will keep it that way for tomorrow’s dinner. I will talk with my sister and request that she be on her best behavior.”

Emma snickers at this. They both know that Zelena does whatever she wants most of the time, especially when it has the propensity to rile Regina up. But they also know that Zelena wouldn’t purposely hurt Regina, not anymore. “Yeah?”

“Yes, darling.” She leans forward and brushes her lips against Emma’s. “Now, where were we?”

The kiss deepens and Regina can feel Emma’s hand that had been on a mission to destroy Regina’s bedspread now snaking around her back to run along her spinal column. She maneuvers between Regina’s legs again and leans, using both hands now to grip Regina’s thighs as she pulls. Regina lands back on the pillows with an ‘oomph’ which causes a quiet chuckle to erupt from within Emma’s rib cage.

“I think here is where we were.” She doesn’t speak again until after her mouth has made its way past breasts and ribs and long torso to nip at protruding hip bones. But the sounds then that fill the air are mostly Regina’s moans and commands and half-words that get stuck in her throat at Emma’s ministrations.

 

**Friday, April 21, 2017**  
**9:35 pm**  
**Sheriff’s Station: Emma’s Office**  
**Emma**

“Hey, Emma.” Mulan starts because they are friends and also Emma is her boss and she doesn’t want to make this any more awkward than it already is. She doesn’t think Emma had anything to do with this but she was there so she has to ask.

“Hey, Mulan. How’s it, uhm, going?” She does note that Emma seems nervous, rubbing her hands beneath the desk between them and every so often lifting one and biting on her nails. It’s a bit concerning but maybe it’s just that Emma’s not used to being on the other side of the table. And it’s not like she really is. Mulan decided to talk to Emma in her own office because frankly she ran out of interrogation rooms and space and the only person she felt comfortable bringing in here had been Emma. She even let her sit behind the desk.

She doesn’t know how to answer the question asked though so she simply shrugs and moves on. “So, what were you doing at Regina’s tonight?”

“Family dinner.” Emma bites her lip and then adds, “Henry’s idea.”

The smile Emma sports at Henry’s name causes Mulan to return a smile of her own and serves to calm her own nerves. “That’s what Regina said, too. I take it you weren’t for it?”

Emma chuckles at this. “I wasn’t, like, _against_  it. It’s just… not something we’ve ever done before so it was kinda weird.”

Mulan nods. From the time she’s been in Storybrooke she’s gotten to know a little bit about each of the people at the dinner and she can only imagine how awkward that might have been. She’s actually surprised Gold had even shown up and is certainly meaning to ask him why when she speaks with him. “I can see how that would be.”

Emma nods in acquiescence and fidgets some more so Mulan continues, “So how is it that Ruby and Ms. Lucas got an invitation?”

It’s something that was weighing on her ever since Regina had given her the unofficial guest list. Not that it means anything but she’s still curious. She doesn't really understand Gold and Belle either but that's a topic for later. Emma lifts one shoulder up and leans forward a bit in the chair. “They’re like family. Ruby is Snow’s best friend. Or was. Before. And is kind of mine now. I mean, aside from Regina, of course.”

There’s something there that Mulan thinks maybe she should note but it eludes her. She can’t think of a follow-up question for that so she just nods. “Of course. Do you know why Killian Jones was there?”

Emma stops fidgeting and grows kind of slack and maybe a bit pale. Mulan thinks this is definitely worth noting so she does. This is the second person to have an adverse reaction to the mention of him, go figure. Also, the “nope” that Emma gives in response really doesn’t ease her mind about it. In fact, she has the sinking suspicion that Emma is lying to her though she hasn’t the faintest idea why.

 

**Friday, April 21, 2017**  
**8:32 am**  
**Granny’s Diner**

“Hey, Em!” Ruby greets her from the counter as she walks in. She’s much too chipper for this early in the morning but that’s really all on Emma and not something she’s going to take out on her best friend.

It had been a particularly late night and Emma needs about a gallon of coffee today if she’s going to be able to function. The thought warms the tips of her ears. She would gladly drink a gallon of coffee a day if it meant that she could do what she did to Regina last night every single night of the week. She slides into the first stool at the counter. “Hey, Rubes. How’s your morning?”

Ruby smirks, wide lips pulling slightly back over an impressive set of teeth. “Not as good as last night was for you, I’m sure.”

“Ruby!” Emma hisses, eyes darting back and forth, trying to asses whether anyone in the immediate vicinity has heard. It’s not like they would be able to figure out who she was with anyway. Probably. Though the longer this goes on, the more convinced Emma is that people are going to start putting the pieces together anyway. They’re discrete, mostly, but most people aren’t as oblivious as Regina thinks them to be. It’s only a matter of time at this point.

“Calm down, your secret is safe with me.” Ruby leans across the counter and places a hand on top of Emma’s, which are now drumming a nervous beat.

“Is it?” Emma looks at her knowingly. “You know, no one coming tonight knows, except Henry, of course. So like I…”

Ruby cuts her off. “Of course it is, Emma. You can trust me. I wouldn’t rat you out like that. My lips are sealed!” Ruby mimics a zipper over her lips with her free hand.

A calm comes over Emma and her fingers stop moving on the Formica. “Thanks, Rubes, you’re the best.”

The smile that spreads over Ruby’s face is genuine and she squeezes Emma’s hand before pulling back. “Besides, who would believe me anyway?”

Emma rolls her eyes at the waitress. “You’re right. Who _would_ believe the town gossip anyway?” The wink she offers serves to soften the blow of the tease.

Ruby laughs at it and shoves a bag in front of the Sheriff. “Is this the same town gossip that’s responsible for serving bear claws to the Sheriff every morning?”

The laughter that bubbles up is genuine. “The one and only. But I think Granny would do it in her absence.”

“Think again, my child.” Granny’s voice comes from somewhere back in the kitchen and both Ruby and Emma erupt in laughter, loud enough to cause the other patrons to turn toward them in an attempt to figure out what the commotion is. “Red, back to work!”

Ruby, still laughing, slides along the counter, away from Emma. “Duty calls!”

Emma waves and stands from her stool, grabbing the paper bag and walking the same direction as Ruby. “See you tonight?”

The waitress nods from where she’s filling a to-go cup of coffee. “You betcha.”

Emma grabs the coffee with a wink when Ruby places it on the counter. On her way out the door, Emma yells over the murmurings, “Bye, Granny!”

 

**Friday, April 21, 2017**  
**9:58 pm**  
**Sheriff’s Station: Interrogation Room 2**  
**Ruby**

“Hey, Mulan.” Ruby smiles so wide that Mulan can see most of the teeth in her mouth. They are white and perfect and for a second Mulan wonders if her wolf has the same set or whether the change gives her a whole new pair. Either way, Mulan thinks that Ruby could do some major damage with either one if given half the chance.

Now’s not the time to think about that, though. “Hi, Red. I just want to ask you a few questions about tonight’s dinner, if that’s okay.”

She’s not really giving her a choice but Mulan thinks Ruby knows that anyway so it doesn’t matter. “Of course.”

Mulan nods and skims the notes she’s already taken from the two other interrogations so far. “Can you tell me who all was there?”

Ruby seems confused at this request but bounces her head a bit and then starts counting on her fingers. “Regina, Emma, Henry, me and Granny, Snow and David and baby Neal, Zelena and Robyn but she was asleep already, then Gold and Belle.”

Mulan is set to ask another question but before that can happen, Ruby adds, “And I guess Hook but I’m sure he wasn’t invited.”

This piques her interest, naturally, and so she abandons any previous question and goes with the obvious. “And why do you say that?”

The question seems to startle Ruby because her head whips up, confusion written plainly across her face, and she starts to say something but then clearly decides otherwise. “Because… because he’s not family. He wouldn’t… I’m sure he wouldn’t have been welcome.”

“Okay.” Ruby seems convinced that Hook wasn’t invited and it’s in line with what Regina and Emma had told her but there’s something nagging at her there, about the ferocity of Ruby’s opinion. She leaves it alone though and instead asks, “Where were you when the lights went out?”

If Ruby is startled by the abrupt change in Mulan’s line of questioning, she doesn’t lead on. “Oh, I was upstairs.”

Mulan waits a moment for Ruby to elaborate but when it becomes clear that she isn’t going to, Mulan asks a follow-up. “Doing?”

Maybe she doesn’t remember, has forgotten over the chaos, so Mulan forgives her when it takes her a few beats to answer. “In Henry’s room.”

She doesn’t say ‘with Henry’ or elaborate on what she or they were doing in his room so Mulan asks. “With Henry?”

Ruby just nods but there’s a blush rising across her chest and up her neck and Mulan isn’t sure what to think about it. She isn’t sure she wants to know.

 

**Friday, April 21, 2017**  
**6:30 pm**  
**108 Mifflin Street**

“I can get Neal from his car seat if you can get the dessert.” Neal is on her side of the truck anyway and the blueberry pie is on David’s. Of course it was necessary to bring the pie; while Snow trusts Regina with her life, and her children, and the town at large, she still doesn’t trust her with baked goods.

“Sure, sweetheart.” David’s sweet about this even though he’s tried to talk to her before. Snow realizes that she’s being a bit irrational about the topic but it’s simply one of those things. Like how she starts each school year with a lesson about birds. At least they only build one birdhouse a year now.

Snow slides from the front seat and moves it back to access Neal. She smiles bright when she sees his little face, rosy cheeks and bright blue-green eyes. He has David’s eyes and hair but hers and Emma’s and Henry’s chin. She tears up every time she thinks of her perfect family. Neal squeals and reaches for her.

“Hi baby boy! Are you ready to see Regina and Henry?” She asks him, her voice sing-song.

“Ina!” He answers her as she unbuckles him from his seat. That had been his first word. At the time, Snow had been so sad that she had spent the following week trying to get him to say Mama or Dada every waking chance she got. It had backfired spectacularly; Neal had refused to say anything else until she had given up. Three weeks later he called her Mama and Emma ‘Mmm’ and all was forgotten. It still makes her sigh a little but she can’t deny her child something that makes him so happy.

Snow hoists Neal onto her hip, shuts the door and joins David for the walk up to the house. Neal squirms and she puts him down once they are through the gate and watches as he toddles up the walkway. She cringes when he reaches the stairs and picks up her pace.

David lays a hand on her arm. “He’ll be fine, Snow.”

She’s not so sure but she does trust her husband so she smiles back at him. Her body floods with relief when Henry comes through the front door and swoops Neal up before he gets too far.

“Hey there, little man, where ya going?” Henry holds him at the top of the steps while they wait for Snow and David to catch up.

“Hen!” Neal throws his arms around Henry’s neck. Neal adores his nephew and Snow thinks the feeling is mutual for Henry.

Henry twists Neal on the other hip as Snow and David start up the stairs and he yells back into the house. “Grandma and Grandpa are here!”

Snow thinks she hears a bang and a curse that sounds kind of like Emma but she shakes it off as she kisses Henry’s cheek and follows him inside. It’s when she’s taking off her light jacket in the foyer that she sees a flash of blonde and red out of the corner of her eye, through the window in the living room. She does a double-take but it’s gone so she hangs her coat up on the rack and moves with Henry toward the kitchen.

“Is Emma here already, Henry?” Snow asks because otherwise it will bother her all night. She hadn’t seen Emma’s car on the street or in the driveway when they had pulled up. But then again, it hadn’t been at her house either when they drove by earlier.

Henry simply shrugs and moves more purposefully toward the kitchen. Neal screams “Ina!” right before the doorbell rings and Snow’s moving toward it before anyone else can.

She pulls the door back open, not bothering to check to see who it is before she does so. She feels like she knows. Which is why her greeting comes out as “Emma?” as she takes in Emma's flushed and slightly disheveled appearance. Emma simply grins back at her. 


End file.
